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HEY!!!
;I thought you might enjoy a little laugh in your
busy day,
so here;goes nothing;A man dies and
goes to hell. There he finds that there are different kinds of
hell.He decides
he'll pick the least painful to spend
his eternity. He goes;to German Hell and asks, "What do they do
here?" He is
told "first they put you in an electric chair for an
hour. Then they lay you on a;bed of nails for another hour. Then
the German devil comes in and;whips you for the rest of the
day".The man does not like the sound of that at all so
he
moves on. Hechecks out the American Hell as well as the Russian
Hell and many more. He discovers that they are
all similar to
the German hell.Then he comes to the African Hell and
finds that there is a long line of people waiting
to get
in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told
"first they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they
lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the African
devil comes in and whips you ;for the rest
of the
day."But that is exactly the same as all the other hells... why are
there so many people waiting to get in?"
asks the man. "Because there
is ;never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work.
The nails;were paid for
but never supplied, so the bed is
comfortable to sleep on. And, on top of it, the African devil used to
be a Civil
Servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes
back home for private business." Typical
African! Give a friend
a laugh, pass this
on...Going to church does not make you a Christian, but going to a
garage; makes you an
automobile.
WOW!!!
A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife is hard of hearing.
The doctor suggests that he bring her in for an examination, but the man says she won't come in. Man asks the doctor if there
is something he can do. The doctor tells him to go home, and say something to his wife from far away, then keep moving closer
until she hears him. When he discovers how close he needs to be for his wife to hear him, he's to measure the distance, and
then the doctor will see what he can recommend.
The man goes home and at the front door calls out "Hi, Honey, What's for dinner?"
...His wife does not respond.
He goes into the living room, and calls out
"Hi, Honey, What's for dinner?"
....His wife does not respond.
He goes into the kitchen and calls out
"Hi, Honey, What's for dinner?"
...His wife does not respond.
He walks right up beside her and says
"Hi, Honey, What's for dinner?"
His wife turns around and says "I've told you three times already - we're having chicken!"
Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig. One day, this nasty old wolf
came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down."
So he did! The straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said "Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down
my house!!"
So the stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm going to Huff and puff and blow your house
down!" And he did!
The straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said "Let us in! The wolf just blew down our
houses and we're scared!!!" So the brick pig let them in.
The wolf caught up with them and said "I'm going to huff, and puff and blow your house down." While he was huffing and puffing,
the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared, but the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend. A few minutes passed
and all of a sudden this big, black
stretch limo drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedoras.
These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to beat the crap out of him. One of them
pulled out a gun and fired into the wolf's mouth. They left the wolf for dead, got back into their Limo and drove off.
The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed!!! They asked the brick pig, "Who the hell were those guys?"
The brick pig said "Oh, those are my cousins...the Guinea Pigs."
A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house it was obvious that somebody was home. However,
no one came to the door, although the preacher knocked several times.
Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote "Revelations 3:20" on the back, and stuck it in the door.
The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher's message was written "Genesis 3:10".
Revelations 3:20 - "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to
him and dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 - "I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself."
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer
was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening
process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached
him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with
his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced the he had finally
found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged
headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached
the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
a new job...... - Thu, 4 Oct 2007
Sam got a new job in an all-night, all-purpose superstore.
He was there about an hour when a man walked in.
"Hello," said the man.
"Hello, what can I get you?" said Sam.
"I'd like a packet of nails please."
Sam got the nails, gave them to the man and said, "That'll be one ninety-nine please". The man paid the money and left.
The Store Manager came quickly over, and hissed at sam.
"What were you doing?"
"What?" said our hero.
"When you make a sale, you ALWAYS try to make a supplementary sale."
Another man walked in.
"Watch this". The man approached the counter and said, "Hello, I'd like a bag of grass seed".
The manager made the sale, and said, "Would you like a lawnmower to go with it? They're on special.." The man thought this
was a good idea, and bought it.
"See?" said manager.
"Oh yeah," said Sam.
Another man enters... "Hello".
"Hello," said Sam.
"I'd like a jumbo size packet of tampons, please."
"There y'go. That'll be four fifty please. Would you like a lawnmower to go with that? They're on special!"
The manager slowly put his hand to his head.
"Why in GOD'S NAME would I need a lawnmower with a packet of tampons?" said the man.
"Well", said Sam, "Your weekend's fucked, so you may as well mow the lawn..."
One fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second
hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Bill. What happened to her?
"My dog bit her and she died."
Bill then asked him who was in the second hearse.
The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog? "
To which the man replied, "Get in line. "
Perfect Shot - Tue, 2 Oct 2007
A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He looked up, looked down, measured the distance, figured the
wind speed and direction. It was driving his partner nuts!!
Finally, his exasperated partner said, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!!!"
The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, Man," the partner responded. "You''ll never hit her from here."
ANYTHING for $100? - Mon, 1 Oct 2007
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She
was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything,
that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 -- on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills,
which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said:
"Paint my house."
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